Real life

My plan to launch this blog spurred from an uptick in reactions that I received from my insta-stories. It seemed like my friends felt better knowing my life, too, was a roller coaster of (mostly) insane and (sometimes) calmly beautiful moments. Was I really one of the few that leaned on it as it outlet to reflect on the banal hardships of parenthood? As opposed to curating my life’s rare sparkly moments into an enviable photo stream of babies smiling and craft batched sunset cocktails? Possibly. (Did I also post more pictures of beautiful babies and cocktails than not? Definitely.) But the differentiator of honesty and the resulting reaction wasn’t the part that mattered. The stories – fueled by the general astonishment that this balancing act was not only expected but also endorsed – made me feel better once posted. Life felt often impossible and making light of its chaos, simply put, was helping me survive it.

 I wanted to publish a blog that went another step beyond the ironic plot twists of the stories. The insecurities and uncertainties that weave their way through my narratives are chronic and run deep, and throughout my life, I have turned to writing to unearth their basis.

 I was close to publishing a blog to accompany my stories when COVID-19 swept our home into the deeper level of anxiety that is now gripping us. I tried to figure out if my chest pains and shortness of breath were bouts of full-blown panic attacks or symptoms of the virus (my husband the medical professional said probably a combination). I attempted to structure some routine into our day (this has settled into: 8 am – take Sy on his bike, and 4 pm – make cocktails). I did not try to read the news and/or predict how long this would go on for. That only made it worse.

 I realized that now was as good a time as any to get my words out into stratosphere. Because if life were merely teetering on collapse before, the threads are certainly about to snap now.

 The wonderful outcome of writing for me has been an ability to find some moment of clarity. In digging through a swamp of muddied emotions for the perfect articulation of words, I often am able to unearth whatever instability led me to the mess in the first place. In this moment, when we are all experiencing communal anguish and anxiety, my hope is that in finding my resolution there is a little piece of solace that is delivered to you, too.